Big Boy's Don't Cry

By Norley Hall

From childhood on boys, and men are expected to hide their emotions and not to show their feelings, no matter how torn up they may be inside. Due to this facade, a man who has lost his spouse, or some other loved one, may appear to others to be adjusting well when they are actually suffering, perhaps violently, but their feelings are bottled up and they are unable, or at least unwilling to seek the support of friends, family, or community groups.

There is no known way to suggest the best way of grieving for any particular person. There is evidence, however that individuals who do not acknowledge the significance of their loss or seek support may prolong the grief process and put themselves at risk for additional stress. This may be one reason widowers have a higher death rate from suicide, accidents, strokes, and heart disease than married men of the same ages do.

One of the reasons that lead to men's outlook on grieving may be the fact that men do not normally expect to outlive their spouses. As a result they are less likely than their wives to have thought much about being widowed. Many men are reluctant to talk to their wives, children, or friends about what they would do if their spouses died first. When a man's wife dies, he often loses his best friend, sometimes his only real confidant, and his social secretary, as well as the person responsible for many, or most of the household chores. It is not uncommon for men to realize, perhaps for the first time, how many roles their wives played in the family. If the widower is left with children to care for, the problem is clearly intensified.

The loss of a sibling, parent, close friend, or others who may be close is another area where grief must be treated. Your family role could change somewhat; for instance, if you are now the senior member, others may look to you in ways you had not anticipated. A family conference and time of reminiscing about past events may help ease this situation.

Grief is very individual. There is no "right way" or best way to cope with grief. It would be good if you could consider what would be most helpful for you. Consider other crises in your life and how you handled them. Often an activity, such as creating a memorial by planting a tree, or designing a special marker, or writing a poem may help. Sometimes involvement in a special project or doing volunteer work as a relief from the pain of suffering. Other suggestions may be to join a support group if possible. Maintain a journal as a way of remembering the loved one and assessing your progress. Avoid making irreversible major decisions during the first year of bereavement.